Tabulated Chaos

I’ve Said It Before And I’ll Say It Again, Fucking Conundrum

tabulatedchaos — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 06:28:13 +0000

Sometimes I wonder why? Why can’t I be one of those normal person who glide through life, blissfully unaware of how it feels to be lost in a well of discontent? I would be happy with merely a couple of days without this suffocating amount of stress. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I actually went a whole week without crying. And the guilt, the guilt just eats away my insides until I feel like a hollow shell, unsure any decision is adequate, much less correct. The worst part for me is this stupid mask I wear in an attempt to fit in, to keep from dealing with the barrage of questions people really don’t want the answers to. If I gave them the honest truths to their concerns, they would either worry about my stability (for those who actually care); they would lose respect for the person they thought they knew or they would choose to eliminate me from their lives altogether. So, I play the game and I keep my thoughts to myself, until they work themselves into an even more destructive pattern. And the fucked up part is that’s before I even let the anger and frustration make an appearance. Why can’t I seem to break this cycle of self induced pain?

I know happiness must exist, because even I catch occassional glimpses. Sometimes I can hear it in my little girl’s laughter, or the way she looks with sheer intrigue when she discovers something she never knew existed. I can feel it in the way music transcends time and the way words paint such lucid pictures. So, if I can see and recognize the existence of happiness, why does it always seem just out of my realm of reality? I’ve been told so many times I just need to let myself be happy, but I have no fucking clue what that even means. Do people really think if could let happiness be my guide, I would choose this life for myself? And who should I surround myself with to find this “inner peace”? People who have this innate sense of contentment, which will constantly remind me of my inadequacies? Or should I fill my life with people as emotionally damaged as me? I guess I do often find myself drawn to people who have a genuine sense of themselves and share my intuitive nature, but are just as lost on their own journey in life. I guess it is comforting not having to explain why I can’t understand why I want to hide from the world and cry for no explainable reason. But at the same time, it is frustrating trying to break through their crazy ass fucking barriers, many of which have been forged just as strong and well constructed, from the same years of rejection and mistrust. I want to scream with every part of my being that I really do understand and I am starving to have someone to share my fears and hopes with. Unfortunately, if I push too hard, which I am very skilled at, they will inevitably retreat; adding another defeat to my collection, triggering my barrage of self doubt. So, we find ourselves alone again, within an army of people who care, and if we are lucky, love us anyway.

Moving Forward…

tabulatedchaos — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 02:11:35 +0000

No matter how much I say I am going to write regularly, let’s face it, I suck with consistency. So, things have changed since the last post. First of all, I am officially divorced! It was a pretty uneventful, just me, my lawyer and the judge. It took about 15 minutes. Isn’t it crazy that a 10 year marriage is ended in a 15 minute meeting? Of course, emotionally it’s taken a lot longer and involved a lot more pain, but legally, just 15 minutes.

Let’s see, I’ve been dating someone. Can you believe it? I found someone crazy enough to want to spend more than one evening with me. It’s been a whirlwind of emotion, kind of different from I was expecting. He’s a really great guy and I am usually the kind of person that sees things at least 3 steps ahead, but with him, I’m kind of living in the moment. Maybe it’s because of his age (he’s significantly younger than me), but I want to think that I am getting a little better at enjoying things while they happen, instead of trying to control every outcome. Whatever the reason, it makes me happy right now. He makes me happy and we make me happy.

I’m also getting a little bit more comfortable with my independence. For example, I just did the landscaping in front of my condo and it looks very nice. Granted, I hated every minute of it and wanted to punch things by the time it was over, but I did it! I’m still a financial disaster, but I’ve put myself on a budget anyway. Let’s hope I can follow it. I have moments of emotional discord still and find myself crying for no reason, but mostly I find myself so angry that I can’t breathe. It’s fucked up, I know, but I get mad when things that I’ve wanted to happen for years, actually happen. I get jealous of stupid things, which is a fairly new emotion for me. Stuff I know I shouldn’t be jealous about, but there it is. I’ve started going to counseling, to try to get past some of the resentment I’ve been harboring for years, which has only gotten worse since the divorce. I’m looking forward to getting past all of this aggression and let myself be truly free and happy. Maybe I can get a little self-esteem out of it, as well.

Anyway, my man is on his way and I’ve got naughty plans for him, so I’m gonna wrap it up for now. Hopefully, I’ll write sooner this time…aww hell, who are we fucking kidding? LOL

Dating

tabulatedchaos — Thu, 09 Jun 2011 03:55:44 +0000

I suck at flirting. It has been a curse for as long as I can remember. I was never the girl in college who had guys lining up to buy me drinks or ask me to dance. I’ve been told I am intimidating. What do you do with this kind of information? I don’t try to be intimidating and I honestly don’t understand what about me is intimidating. I’ve had friends tell me I needed to act less intellectual because my topics of conversation scare guys away. But why would I want to attract the interest of some dumb ass dude that can’t even keep up with my general conversation? I’ve been told repeatedly I need to smile more, but how the fuck do you do that without looking like a crazy person? I know I can initially come across as cold, but once I have the opportunity to have a conversation with someone, I am wide open. I think maybe that scares people away too. Haha – if I had to pick one word to describe myself it would be conundrum. I seem cold and closed off, then once given the opportunity to converse with someone, I am almost a flood gate of honesty. This does not help my dating problems.

I just keep telling myself that there is a guy out there who will totally appreciate my extremes, even love me for them. Until then, I guess I will keep being an awkward mess, making an ass of myself in the wonderful world of dating. If nothing else, this should be an interesting trip!

Thanks for the Advice

tabulatedchaos — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 03:39:44 +0000

So, I got upset again last week because of some shit someone said to me. As usual, I was bitching to a friend, who stopped me cold and gave me some great advice. He told me I needed to quit letting all this bullshit consume me and shift my focus to the things I can control in my life. My first thought was, “Fuck you dude, you don’t know how I feel”, but he actually did and I was just making excuses to wallow in my own misery.

A little later that day I talked to my mom, asking for her advice. She said to me, “People come to a point in their lives when they have to make a choice – they can either choose to be happy or they can choose to be stuck in the same place of misery that’s held them back in the past.” It became clear to me they were both right and I needed to snap out of it.

This weekend was a hard one for me because Memorial Day Weekend is the beginning of lake season, and everything about the lake reminds me of my wedding, my soon to be ex-husband, and all the fun and crazy times we’ve had with our friends and family on the water over the years. But instead of sitting around my house, crying and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to make some changes in how I was handling things. On Saturday, I went to Lex to hang out with my best friend and met some really fabulous, stong and independent women. Then on Sunday, I went with my roomie to her lake house, with another group of great new friends, and created some brand new lake memories of my own. Every time my thoughts would begin to wonder toward a memory that made me sad, I would redirect, and it really worked. I just didn’t let myself think about any of the current bullshit that had been consuming me for months and instead, I lived in the current moment, as it was happening. It was remarkably empowering for me and I was quite proud of myself for keeping my thoughts in check. And you know what, I was happy this weekend…against all odds, I chose happiness! Instead of trying to control my situation, I focused on controlling my thoughts and kept reminding myself how lucky I was to be surrounded by such great friends.

So, the pain and hurt will inevitably still come, and I’m sure there will be times when it catches me off guard and I will have to let myself cry. But from now on, instead of wallowing in my misery, I’ll move on quickly and I’ll choose happiness. I’ll choose me.

Purging

tabulatedchaos — Tue, 24 May 2011 04:50:02 +0000

Relationships have consumed my thoughts lately, for obvious reasons, and it has forced me to make some really tough decisions. There are people who come into and pass through your life, some stay because they need you, some stay because they love you and some stay because you’ve always been around and they never really bothered to move on. The last 8 months have really brought to light which of my friends are actually in my life because they love me and respect me. The crazy thing is, they weren’t at all who I expected them to be, and I wonder if that makes me a bad friend. I have invested so much time, trust and emotion on people who obviously have no respect for me or loyalty toward our friendship. I’ve spent literally years trying to gain approval from these people, who have treated me as nothing more than a back up plan. It’s caused me to constantly see myself through the warped eyes of people who simply “tolerated” my personality quirks. I look at things now and wonder why? I stayed because my constant insecurities pushed me to seek approval from the people in my life I considered normal and happy. I’m not really sure why they stayed, because it was obvious that I was the butt of jokes, the friend that always made things difficult. And sadly, I let myself believe they were better than me and I was the flawed one. I had let myself be insignificant for years, when there were people in my life who truly respected my ideas and my strength. Friends that actually appreciated my off-key sense of humor and valued my opinions, yet I was still wasting my time chasing the approval of people who didn’t give a shit about me or my happiness.

It took a blatant, several actually, slap in the face for me to take a good hard look at the people I continued to let break my heart, before I realized who my true friends were. Consider this an apology for not seeing the wealth of love, respect and loyalty that was right in front of my face. Know that I won’t ever let you feel the way they’ve made me feel, and if I ever did, I truly apologize. Thank you so much for not giving up on me and for making me see myself through your eyes. It has given me strength I could not have made it this far without. I’ve spent most of my life (as was recently brought to my attention, in the most appropriate fashion) emotionally constipated. My reactions and emotional insecurity came from a lifetime of being judged and teased. It wasn’t until this year, and the constant affirmation from each one of you, that I was able to actually let down some of those walls and trust that it was ok to fall completely apart, knowing I had people there to catch me and wait with me while I found the strength to get back up. Each of you helped me, in your own unique and unexpected ways, find myself again, and finally find the strength to let go of the people and things in my life that I no longer needed or wanted. You gave me the courage to believe in myself again and trust myself, maybe for the first time in my life. I’ve shared war stories with some of you; plotted exaggerated revenge with some of you; cried like a blubbering fool with some of you; drank, danced, sang and laughed with all of you…but mostly, I’ve found a new understanding of friendship because of you. I won’t ever forget what you guys have done for me and I love each of you for accepting me just the way I am, no judgements, no conditions.

Just when you think…

tabulatedchaos — Fri, 13 May 2011 14:25:44 +0000

Just when you think you are finally starting to get it back together again, BLAM, your heart is crushed into a million pieces. It has been seven months since I left my husband. I spent the first 4 months mourning the loss of my friends because everyone was apparently mad at me for leaving. Only a couple of friends stood by me and understood that I was chosing to take a chance at possible happiness, over an inevidable life of constant disappointment and resentment. I was sad, but never really crushed about losing my relationship with my husband. Eventually, the friends who had shunned me started coming back around and I had met someone who understood my situation and was there to adore me and teach me that I did have the capacity to open my heart again. It was a long distance friendship we both knew would eventually end, because neither of us could leave our homes because we would never take our kids away from their other parent. He eventually found someone there that made him happy, so we are back to being only friends again. I was hurt and disappointed because he embodied everything I wanted and needed in a guy. She’s a lucky girl and I hope she appreciates what she has.

So, then something I totally wasn’t expecting happened, my husband called to tell me he had a girlfriend, someone I know. He wanted to tell me this because he didn’t want us to meet out somewhere and have a conversation, without me knowing the truth. Now, for 7 months I had been saying that I really wish he would start seeing someone, so he could move on…turns out, the joke was on me. I still know that our marriage could never work. I still know that I love him and want him to be happy. I still know that he is my best friend. What I don’t know is why I have been crying non-stop since he told me and why I tried everything to figure a way to keep him (even though I knew what I was saying wasn’t how I actually felt). I’m a mess, a much bigger mess than I have ever been in my life. I can’t stand the idea of them together and this weekend they are going to the lake with my friends, on my boat, to one of my favorite spots in the world. I feel like I have been replaced by an upgraded model and when all my friends meet her, they will be happy that she’s around instead of me, because she’s better than me. And even though I knew there was someone out there that could give him the things he needed and I could never offer, I didn’t realize how much it would make me feel damaged and insignificant. I mean, it only took him 5 months to replace me. And the hardest part of it all, is that he won’t discuss it with me. I’m worried that he will slowly pull further and further away until we are just friendly because we have to parent together, and I will have lost my best friend.

I guess everyone is telling me that my reaction is normal, although delayed, and that in time I will be ok. I usually keep all the tough emotions bottled up, but I have no control over it now. My friends keep telling me to just to let it all out, but it’s getting in the way of me functioning throughout my day. I guess I am going to start seeing a grief counselor to learn how to express my emotions in a healthier way, instead of pushing them down for so long that when they do come out, it is debilitating. Yesterday was my birthday and I spent the whole day crying, until my parents came to take me out to dinner. It was the second worst birthday I’ve had; the only one worse was the year my grandpa had an epileptic seizure at my party causing him to break his back.

I’ve never had a very high self-esteem, so bringing this new girl into the picture makes me worried that everyone will like her more and won’t want me around. I mean how adolescent is that? I just feel like some of my old friends have moved on too, when I wish they would feel awkward around her and wish I was there. I just wish I could count on them for some kind of loyalty to me, but how they treated me at the beginning of all this makes me doubt it. I’m sick of emotions fucking with my head.

Did Ya Miss Me?!?!

tabulatedchaos — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 22:44:19 +0000

I haven’t been writing much lately, as you can see. Life’s obviously been a bit of a motherfucking roller coaster lately. I’ve been on my own now for almost 6 months and it is really amazing how quickly things can change. I’m starting to regain my bearings and I have been, dare I say it, happy lately. I feel lighter and empowered and some of my crazy quirkiness is starting to come back. I still worry too much and stress out about money and my lack of ability to budget, but I’m working to change those things. I’m ready to grab the world by the balls and squeeze! No more excuses, no more letting fear navigate my life and most of all, no more beating myself up for not being perfect!! I am an uncoordinated, quick-tempered, smart, sarcastic, hopelessly romantic, directionally challenged, loyal, intuitive, self-conscious bitch who doesn’t always slow down to notice details, and you know what? That’s just fine. I’m wired to live life wide fucking open, so no more slowing down to try to fit into somebody else’s idea of what I should be. If you can’t keep up, move over. (But don’t worry too much, I’m sure I’ll catch you again my next time around.)

Win Some, Lose Some

tabulatedchaos — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 02:41:06 +0000

So, in case you haven’t been able to keep up with my cryptic previous posts, I am in the process of getting divorced. It’s a fucked up roller coaster of emotions, even when you know you have made the right decision. One minute I am comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and feel good with my new-found independence, and the next minute I am in tears, afraid that I won’t be able to support my daughter or myself. You see, not only am I going through a divorce, but I am also currently unemployed and about to lose my insurance. (Fortunately, my ex is picking up my daughter on his policy.) I’ve been on anti-depressant for the last ten years and adderall for the last three and I currently can’t afford them, so I haven’t had either in about three months. I’m sure you can imagine how this has helped my emotional stability. I have no savings in the bank because of some previous financial problems, most of which I had little or no control over, so I am having to borrow money from my parents to pay my bills. That can make any 35 year old feel like a big fat loser.

Now, one would think in times like these, the people I have always considered my best friends would be the ones standing behind me, holding me up. This has been another rude awakening of divorce – the breakdown of friendships. It didn’t take me long to realize people pick sides, avoid you and unintentionally break your heart. Fuck, maybe it’s not unintentional, for all I know. Fortunately, on the other hand, I’ve had some true friends step up and really be there to support me! Finding out which friends will pick you up and which friends will leave you standing in a rain of tears, has been an eye-opening revelation . This weekend was a fucking heartbreaker and I shed a lot of tears over the cycle of disappointment I have continued to let myself get sucked into. Let’s just say, I’m big enough not to let this end any friendships, but I have definitely re-evaluated who I will depend on in the future.

So, I’ve been slowly adjusting to my new life and trying to be grateful for the people around me who have been there and do care. What I really want to do is to turn off my fucking emotions and quit letting people who don’t give a shit about me, hurt me. Fuck them, I may not be perfect and I may be wound a little tight, but at least I am real and honest and know who the fuck I am. Fuck you folks, fuck you very much!!!

Unraveled

tabulatedchaos — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 03:23:37 +0000

Life sometimes feels like a big ball of string. A tug on one loose end and things start to unravel, just a bit at first. As piece by piece pulls away from the core, a kaleidoscope of color begins to reveal itself. Each color a representation of each tiny part of who we are: fear, hate, courage, empathy, pain, self-destruction, loyalty, love. All wound together, making one whole, individually unique person. Another tug and the string of life begins to fall to the floor. Suddenly, parts of what makes us who we are start to get lost, as people pick and pull us in directions that contradict where we want to be. Without each piece of our true self, we begin to lose focus, and life spirals and spirals, until we are left looking in the mirror at a stranger. Soon, no one needs to tug loose ends, because the unraveling has taken on a life of its own and things are suddenly out of control. Fortunately, when life falls apart and we feel like we’ve lost the parts of us which make us strong and stable, we always have the opportunity to pick the string up from the floor and begin the process of winding things back together again. It will never be the same ball of string, or the same life, but it will still be made of all the pieces that make us extraordinary; that make us complete.

Here’s to my currently unraveled life, and to the courage it took me to realize it was finally time for me to begin finding the pieces of myself which had been lost for far too long. I’m looking forward to getting to know the new me, you know, once I’ve gotten my life back together again.

The cocktail dress

tabulatedchaos — Sun, 19 Dec 2010 02:37:30 +0000

Today I was out shopping for Christmas presents (yes, I am a bad about the procrastination) and I kept seeing all these really cute cocktail dresses that I wanted. It was a little strange that I kept being drawn to these dresses, because generally I am not the girl who enjoys getting all dolled up. But for some reason, I would love to be invited somewhere that would allow me to wear a super cute cocktail dress, a pair of fabulous shoes and even go to the salon to get my hair done. Don’t ask me where this is coming from, but I honestly kind of like it on me.

Maybe I’m becoming a fashionista! Hahahaha – probably not, but I would like to get all dressed up and hit the town. Where’s that VIP New Year’s invitation?